At some point in your life, one of your pets will bring home a severed head, most likely your dog. It’s bound to happen, and there’s no getting around it–ask any canine owner. To the best of my knowledge, no guide has been written on how to deal with this common occurrence, until now.
1. Don’t panic. It’s easy to get caught up in the moment and wig out–after all, there’s a severed head in your dog’s mouth. This is not the time to panic, however. Panicking should be reserved for truly panic-worthy occasions, such as a printer running out of paper or a hangnail. Right now, you need to be level-headed and take the appropriate action.
2. Remove the head from your dog’s mouth. This is perhaps the most important and most difficult task in this process. Removing the head can prove tricky, especially if your dog wants to hang onto it like it does with tennis balls and pet toys. You have to remember that removing it is key to your success in this situation, especially once the sound of tearing flesh hits your ears as your beloved dog starts his tug-of-war with you.
3. Do not throw the head. Just as dogs are conditioned through training, you’ve been conditioned to remove things from your dog’s mouth and throw them again for the dog to fetch. Don’t do this.
4. Be firm with your dog, but do not lash out. It’s important to let your pet know that bringing severed heads home is not appropriate behavior, but do not be too harsh lest your dog stop bringing severed limbs home altogether. Remember how you felt the first time your dog brought home one of the neighbor kid’s severed arms, how proud you were. Your dog needs boundaries, and you need to reaffirm that good behavior and discourage the bad.
5. Dispose of the head and forget this ever happened. That head could have come from anywhere. Don’t jump to conclusions–your dog could have found it in a dumpster, or at the beach. Just because your dog brought a severed head home doesn’t mean your pet is a mindless bloodthirsty beast. He’s just inquisitive. He’s a good dog, a nice inquisitive dog with blood-soaked fangs.
I guess now’s as good a time as any to admit I haven’t owned a dog. Still, I hope this advice is useful the next time your dog brings home a severed head.
And he will. «»
